Relationships and Relationship Therapy -

Some things that I have learned:

In no particular order, the following are thoughts, observations and bits of "wisdom" that I have picked up along the way.............

(In the ideas listed below, the term "partner" refers to any significant other.)

•     We each live in our own world, our own experience. It is useless to debate history.

      "This is the way it happened."   "No it isn't!   It was that way!"   "You're wrong!"    and on and on and on....

       You will never completely agree, so arguing is useless. Just understand that each person's interpretation tells a story of who they are and what they've experienced in life.

•     Problem solving is useful if you can find a middle ground. Or, you may have to agree to disagree. However, the end result must be respectful to the other person.

•     Many arguments happen because we feel that we are not understood by our partner. Our feeling of OK-ness should not be dependent on our partner agreeing with us. When tempted to disagree, asking questions in a curious, not negative way, works much better, and increases our understanding of the other person.

•     We all have a deep, natural need to feel heard and understood. If our parents did not listen in an understanding way, we may later experience anger and an intense need to be understood and accepted just for being who we are. We all have a need for acceptance, and it is a reason that when a therapist validates our feelings, we feel a sense of relief - as if a weight has been lifted. And it is why you want to feel that your partner really hears and accepts you.

•     When stressed, couples (and humans in general) always do more of the same behaviors that haven't worked. "The square peg has never gone into the round hole.....But perhaps if I bang harder one more time, it will."

       If the attempted solution never has worked, it most likely never will. Notice how many arguments happen in almost exactly the same way every time. It is a behavioral loop.

       Changing one thing in the loop will change the loop. Example: "How many times have I told you to put your clothes away?" Apparently nagging has never worked. Ask yourself, "Why keep doing something that doesn't work?"

•     There is always another side to every story. A therapist never assumes one side is always right and the other wrong. It takes two to have a conflict.

•     So many couples treat their partner in ways that they would never want to be treated themselves, and then justify why it is OK to do this.

•     Many people in relationships are so intent on controlling things, that they ignore that their actions have an effect on the other person. "I just want to do what I want to do. No one can control me." Both partners can get into struggles for control and then there is no chance of finding a solution.

       Example: You like to spend many hours each week at some favorite activity outside the home. Your partner complains that you are not spending enough time with the family. You don't want to be controlled, so you conveniently ignore that there could be any truth to what your partner says. In reality, there is always a middle-ground solution that both partners can agree on.

•     Many people act as if their partner is them. "If that doesn't bother me, than it shouldn't bother you." "If I like this, than you should like it." Your partner isn't you.

•     Your partner was not put on this earth to torture you. You didn't start out with that belief, and it still isn't true. When in conflict, remember this. You used to be friends. Remember to treat your partner like a friend and you are more likely to be treated like a friend.

•     We each transfer our past relationship experiences, especially painful ones with parents and prior partners, onto our current relationships (with a partner, work supervisor, friend, etc.) This is natural. But it causes us to imagine that the reasons people in our current lives do what they do, are the same reasons significant people in our past did what they did.

       The problem is that our assumptions are usually not correct. Do you want your actions to be based on here-and-now reality, or do you want your actions to be based on imaginings?

•     We tend to test our partners with issues from our past. "Unfinished business" causes lots of stress. Example: As a child, our parent was perceived as abandoning (actually not around, or emotionally unavailable and self-centered). We might push our partner away, in a kind of test, to see if they will stick around - only to have the person leave us because of the stress we caused by trying to keep them from leaving. This seems to confirm our belief that we will be abandoned by others.

       This kind of test can also be about control. We may not be conscious of it, but the basic idea is, "If my partner is going to leave me anyway, I might as well cause it myself and get it over with."

•     With people, our beliefs cause us to create the very thing that we feared.

•     If you are not sure why you are doing something, look at the result. If you do something over and over, and your partner is becoming more emotionally distant, than at least some part of you wants that. Otherwise, you would do something else.

•     The very things that attract us to each other, and that seem charming at first, later cause us annoyance. Opposites attract, but may later divide. For example, you might enjoy your partner's outgoing qualities when dating, but later feel annoyed when you partner wants to go out more than you do. Or when dating, you may enjoy your partner's sense of humor, but later be annoyed that they can't seem to take things seriously enough.

•     Couples often come in and say that they need communication skills. But think. If you are hanging out with a friend, or a buddy, do you need communication skills? No! Respectful communication happens naturally. So communication must have more to do with friendship, not skills.

•     Spoken words can be misunderstood very easily. Example: When someone uses the word "love," it is easy to assume we know what they mean. But do we? Every person might have a different picture of what that word means.

•     Many people with basically good relationships have difficulty with finding time for sex, or being in the mood for sex, because of generally being too busy and tired. It seems very non-spontaneous or too pressured to schedule sex for Saturday afternoon at 1pm, but sometimes it is the best way.

•     There is no "normal" frequency for having sex. It is just what the couple agrees on together. Sex usually decreases with increases in relationship stress. Sex can increase with increased trust and non-sexual intimacy.